“President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show ‘Between Two Ferns’. The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show – Obamacare.” – Seth Meyers
“No one has signed up for Obamacare, give or take 4.2 million people.” – Stephen Colbert
“In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, ‘That’s crazy.’ Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks.” – David Letterman
“President Obama’s wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, ‘But not right away. I’m still using Obama’s Netflix password to watch ‘House of Cards’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“To celebrate Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, ‘Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'” – Seth Meyers
“London’s famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare’s play ‘Hamlet’ in North Korea. Of course, ‘Hamlet’ is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, ‘Where do they come up with this stuff?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Denver this week they’re hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I don’t think anyone’s going, really.” – Craig Ferguson
“A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching a job?” – Craig Ferguson
“A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama.” – Conan O’Brien
“Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night ‘talkathon’ on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, ‘a first date’.” – Jimmy Fallon
