“The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he’s not there.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they’ve found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I’m not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall.” – Jimmy Fallon
“With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there’s talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: ‘Two Kraines’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.” – Seth Meyers
“In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it’s right there in the book of Dude-eronomy.” – Conan O’Brien
“A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he’ll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion.” – Seth Meyers
