“After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, ‘It has been fun time, and I’m sad to see everyone escape… I mean, get away… I mean, go home.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“America is leading all the other countries at the Olympics in gold medals. Great, another reason for the rest of the world to hate us.” – David Letterman
“Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good.” – David Letterman
“A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, ‘Rome was not un-built in a day.’ In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Christie said he’s still holding out hope that he and Bruce Springsteen can be friends. In response, Springsteen was like, ‘One! Two! Three! No’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend is George Washington’s birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own.” – David Letterman
