“Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, ‘That my job!’ But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.” – Bill Maher
“In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called ‘a new generation Republican’. Or as the’re known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.” – Conan O’Brien
“New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.” – Bill Maher
“I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark — and then the storm hit.” – Bill Maher
“We’re halfway through the Winter Olympics. The American speed skaters say there’s a reason their times are off. They’re blaming it on their suits, and I thought maybe I should do that. It was my suit.” – David Letterman
“The U.S. men’s hockey team beat Russia on Saturday in a very dramatic shoot-out. That was exciting. The American team said they’re thrilled with the win, while the Russian team is missing.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it’s still better than a hotel in Sochi.” – Conan O’Brien
“There is good news from Sochi. Bob Costas has defeated pink eye. He’s back to anchoring the Winter Olympics. I’m surprised NBC let him come back. Usually when they replace a host, they stick with their decision.” – Craig Ferguson
“I wonder what ex-presidents do on Presidents Day. Probably have a big cookout at the ex-presidents clubhouse. Clinton, Carter, and the two Bushes all live together in a big house. Just like late-night talk-show guys live together in the late-night clubhouse. I haven’t seen Leno recently, although one of his cars is still in the driveway. Maybe he’s coming back.” – Craig Ferguson
“Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ This is the first ‘Tonight Show’ broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I’m Jimmy Fallon and I’ll be your host … for now.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It happened again – today I get a call from my mom. She says, ‘David, did something happen to Jay?'” – David Letterman
“I want to start by wishing everyone a happy Presidents Day because it seems like the right thing to do, even though none of you are actually presidents.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Happy Presidents Day. There’s a Presidents Day sale here where you get 50 percent off any mattress if you can prove you’re a former president.” – David Letterman
“It is a day to remember all our presidents. And also to get a terrific deal on mattresses.” – Craig Ferguson
“Presidents Day, of course, started out as celebration of Washington’s birthday. Then someone remembered it was Lincoln’s birthday on the 12th. So now we celebrate Washington, Lincoln and all the other Presidents. I have no idea how this led to mattress sales. It’s probably something do with Bill Clinton.” – Craig Ferguson
“I spent my Presidents Day the same way I always do. I spent it quietly hating everyone who has the day off today.” – Jimmy Kimmel
