“Norway currently leads the medal count with 12, followed by the Netherland and Canada, followed then by white-sylvania and albino-stan. The Winter Games are really the only games that to do well, you have to look exactly like the surface you’re competing on.” – Jon Stewart
“I’m glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Before the games, a lot of people were worried that hotels in Sochi wouldn’t be ready. For the most part, things seem to be working well. The only problems occur when people try to do something crazy like, you know, open a door.” – Craig Ferguson
“There’s a pillow shortage in Sochi too. They don’t have enough pillows for the beds. How do you not foresee a demand for pillows? Although in their defense it is Russia. When you sleep wherever you happen to pass out, pillows aren’t so important.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, ‘Don’t worry, our cameras don’t work either.'” – Conan O’Brien
“One Sochi elevator has two up buttons. If you want to go down, you have to stand on your head.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing ‘bi’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas’ eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer?” – Conan O’Brien
“Poor Bob Costas. He hosts the prime-time portion of the Olympics for NBC. When the game started he had an infection in his eye. Then it spread to his other eye. Turned out to be a serious case of pink eye, which is a problem because Vladimir Putin now thinks his eyes are gay and wants them removed.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he’s been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was 15 degrees cooler in Atlanta when they had the Summer Olympics than it is in Sochi where they had the Winter Olympics. It got up to 60 degrees today. It was so warm some of the people staying in the hotels thought the heat started working. But it turns out it was just the sun.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Because of the warm weather, some of the ski jumpers were actually landing in puddles of water. They turned into water skiers mid-flight.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast.” – Conan O’Brien
“A shipment containing 5,000 containers of Greek yogurt was supposed to be delivered to the U.S. Olympic team, but the Russian government blocked it because they said they didn’t fill out the required paperwork. Once again, the Russian government is doing everything they can to repress live and active cultures.” – Jimmy Kimmel
