“The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.” – Jay Leno
“You know, ticket sales have been slow for the Olympics in Sochi, mostly because the Olympics are in Sochi.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Olympics are set to begin on Friday but construction crews in Sochi are still racing to complete work on everything from roads to hotels. When asked to explain the delays Vladimir Putin admitted that in retrospect it was a mistake to fire his construction foreman for being gay.” – David Letterman
“In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, ‘Isn’t it a little cramped?’ When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Olympics start Friday and Russia’s implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That’s how bad it is.” – Jay Leno
“The Russians have spent $51 billion on the Olympics – $51 billion. With that kind of money the Yankees could buy themselves a mediocre player.” – David Letterman
“The Russians are not ready. You heard it here first. They are not ready for the Olympics. You know, I’m blaming it on Obamacare.” – David Letterman
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs.” – David Letterman
“The Winter Olympics start Friday. But if you want to see people flipping end-over-end in a frozen wonderland, just watch people on the East Coast try and drive to work.” – Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos.” – Conan O’Brien
“CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, ‘It’s the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health.’ I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.” – Jimmy Kimmel
