“This week in New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. Isn’t that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016?” – Jay Leno
“Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton’s decision to run for president won’t affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden’s decision to run for president won’t affect her becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When Sunday’s Super Bowl is finished, it will be followed by the Republican rebuttal.” – David Letterman
“The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie’s home state of New Jersey. It’s a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things.” – Conan O’Brien
“Poor Atlanta… what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question : ‘What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'” – Bill Maher
“Once again, President Obama will grant an interview to a journalist from the network broadcasting the Super Bowl. The game is on Fox this year, so Bill O’Reilly will do the interview. I’m taking O’Reilly with the points.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the ‘Imperial President,’ which he sees as a threat to his title, ‘Supreme Asshole.'” – Bill Maher
“It was a tough week to be black in America. Obama’s speech got the lowest ratings in 15 years; a white guy won all the rap awards at the Grammys and the Real Housewives of Atlanta were found frozen to death.” – Bill Maher
“The ratings were very low for the president’s State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because it’s the State of the Union address, that’s why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.” – David Letterman
“One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the duck dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, ‘I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation’s capital.’ Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?” – Bill Maher
“It seems like every week we get introduced to some new frothing lunatic who’s actually in Congress, and this week it was Michael Grimm. He’s a Republican from Gold’s Gym, I’m sorry Staten Island. His hobbies are lifting weights and losing his temper. He was being interviewed after the State of the Union by some reporter, and apparently got pissed off and threatned to throw the reporter off the balcony, and said to him, ‘I will break you in half like a boy.’ Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island.” – Bill Maher
“The President gave a great State of the Union address. President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats – and yet – Justin Bieber remains a free man.” – Bill Maher
“A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on.” – Jay Leno
“House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans.” –Jimmy Fallon
“New Rule: Now that liberals have forwarded their agenda by inserting a mass gay wedding into the Grammys, conservatives must match them tit-for-tat by having a mass shooting at the Country Music Awards.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: If polls show we now live in an America that can accept gay marriage and legal marijuana it’s time we knocked over the next social domino – puritanism – especially as it pertains to our elected leaders. Let’s stop being a nation of grade school prudes about adult consensual sex and accept that politicians aren’t boy scouts – that’s just a costume they wear on Grindr.” – Bill Maher
“NSA leaker Edward Snowden was just nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. When Snowden asked where he could pick up the award, the organizers said, ‘Um, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.'” – Jimmy Fallon
