“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. Or, as Fox News called it, ‘Lame Duck Dynasty’.” – Jay Leno
“You see president’s State of the Union address earlier tonight? Oh man, it’s the last pointless event until the Super Bowl.” – David Letterman
“The first address broadcast live on TV by a president was given by Harry Truman in 1947, and since then it’s really just an annual competition between Democrats and Republicans who see who can fake clap the loudest.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This was a very important speech for the president tonight and he gave it at a time when he’s losing support from his own party. In fact, congressional Democrats were warned tonight that if they didn’t applaud the president’s speech, he would go out and campaign for them.” – Jay Leno
“The big TV event tonight — not too many people want to watch but it’s on every channel so we do anyway — is the president’s annual State of the Union address.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, that Fort Lee mayor should feel right at home in Congress – you know, since they’re a bunch of gridlocked people who are angry with the guy in front of them.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the president started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving. In a related story today, Joe Biden finished GIVING a speech he started around Thanksgiving.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union address and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year the cabinet member will be on a prime-time show on NBC.” – Conan O’Brien
A petition on the WhiteHouse.gov website asks the U.S. to deport Justin Bieber. If they get 100,000 signatures, the White House has to respond. They already have 87,000. The Canadian military is scrambling jets and mobilizing troops along the border to make sure this doesn’t happen.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back.” – Conan O’Brien
“In Vatican Square the Pope comes out and he has kids release doves of peace. And then some sort of angry bird of prey swooped down and killed the doves. On the Vatican press release, all they said was ‘Bummer’.” – David Letterman
“The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie.” – Conan O’Brien
“Iran says they want to encourage more tourism from the United States. They might want to change that ‘Death to America’ slogan. A lot of families are not comfortable with that.” – Jay Leno
“During a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. You know, just like I still ‘don’t know’ if I’ll have a beer on St. Patrick’s Day.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?” – David Letterman
