“President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone’s constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target’s job.” – Jay Leno
“Target just announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they’re blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they’ll just have to use their customers’ credit cards.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey’s Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he’ll break open and spill out candy.” – Conan O’Brien
“Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing ‘blizzard-like conditions’. I’m no expert, but by gosh, isn’t that a blizzard? There are no snow plows in the city. They couldn’t get across the George Washington Bridge.” – David Letterman
“According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can’t we make anything in this country anymore?” – Jay Leno
“The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don’t even have American smog anymore.” – Conan O’Brien
“We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I’m just trying to conserve water.” – Conan O’Brien
“Here’s something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, ‘What would Anthony Weiner do now?'” – Jay Leno
