“Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, ‘Pray for us.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn’t care less.” – Jay Leno
“Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party on Saturday night. Yeah, because there’s no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party looking at Beyoncé.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party supposedly went all the way until 2 a.m. on Saturday. Which explains why on Sunday, Barack expanded healthcare to include Gatorade and Tylenol.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack’s popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles.” – Jay Leno
“Health authorities say they’re seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That’s great news, huh? We finally get healthcare and now we’ve got diseases you can’t treat.” – Jay Leno
“On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country’s anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they’re in Russia.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an affair. Or as Chris Christie’s interns put, ‘No it!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this Bridgegate scandal. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, ‘Mmmm, peach.” – Jimmy Fallon
