“This week President Obama attended Nelson Mandela’s memorial service in South Africa. Hundreds of world leaders were there. President Obama said it felt strange to listen to these leaders in person rather than eavesdropping on their phone calls.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there’s a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem.” – Jay Leno
“You know that fake sign language guy? It was so cold today he was signing with mittens.” – David Letterman
“So let me get this straight. The NSA is listening to our phone calls, but no one is checking up on the violent schizophrenic who is 18 inches from the president of the United States.” – Jay Leno
“Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. And so now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare. Because if anyone knows how to put a new face on something, it’s Hollywood.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is an essay on Slate.com that argues that because America is a melting pot Santa shouldn’t be a white man anymore. The writer suggested that from now on, Santa should be a penguin. I don’t know how the writer would expect a penguin to carry toys.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa’s elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves.” – Conan O’Brien
“Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can’t even call Santa’s helpers ‘elves’ anymore. They have to be known as ‘undocumented little people.'” – Jay Leno
“Pope Francis has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. Also congratulations to ‘Big Bang Theory’s’ Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year.” – David Letterman
“A New York lawmaker wants to legalize marijuana so it can be taxed and the money used to pay bills. Wasn’t that the plot of ‘Breaking Bad’ — selling drugs to pay bills?” – Jay Leno
“In defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, ‘You can’t always get what you want’. When it comes to Congress, here’s a better Stones quote: ‘Can’t get no satisfaction’. How about that?” – Jay Leno
“According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians.” – Jay Leno
“In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being ‘genderless and infertile’. My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?” .” – Conan O’Brien
“Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you’d think he get a note from Dick Cheney.” – Jimmy Fallon
