“Today the White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Yeah, which is good because his current health plan doesn’t cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama spoke today in defense of the Affordable Care Act. He said it’s a disaster and he’s sorry he tried.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Did you know the speeches he’s made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president said despite the initial problems, it’s working better now and going do continue to improve. A million people visited on Monday, mostly to see if they were covered from injuries suffered at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There’s no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant.” – Craig Ferguson
“North Korea should make this their new tourist slogan: ‘North Korea: Come for the corruption. Stay because we won’t let you leave.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free.” – Conan O’Brien
According to a new report, America’s teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America’s teenagers will never understand the report because they’re 85th in reading.” – Conan O’Brien
“Amazon is testing the delivery of packages by drone. So today U.S. Forces began bombarding Afghanistan with ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’.” – Conan O’Brien
