“Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.” – Jay Leno
“Toronto’s city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford’s powers. They say this reduces him to a ‘mere figurehead’ – which still sounds better than ‘crackhead’.” – Jay Leno
“Everyone is talking about Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show.” – Conan O’Brien
“To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.” – Jay Leno
“Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term ‘Obamacare,’ when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it ‘The Affordable Care Act’. Americans were like, ‘Just let us know when you can call it fixed’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama’s impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there’s any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore’s Current TV, which it replaced. That’s how you know you’re boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.” – Jay Leno
“Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He’s 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama.” – David Letterman
“The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here’s how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman.” – David Letterman
