“President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we’ve got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.” – Jay Leno
“How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn’t ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it’s nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.” – David Letterman
“Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Toronto’s city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, ‘I am definitely not leaving this job’. Hey Mr. Mayor, that’s what I used to say!” – Jay Leno
“Today they took Rob Ford’s office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That’s actually the one I would be worried about.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Every time he’s in public, Rob Ford does something great. He’s my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season. ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they’re nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there.” – Jay Leno
“The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost ‘only’ $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, ‘You guys stink at running a business.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off.” – David Letterman
