“In a new interview today, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie. Afterward, Christie told Palin, ‘Thanks, I owe you one’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Happy Veterans Day. President Obama today honored our oldest living veteran, who is 107 years old. So congratulations to Senator John McCain.” – Jay Leno
“It is Veterans Day. A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see the president finally getting along so well with John McCain.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said he is sorry that some Americans have lost their existing health coverage due to Obamacare. I think he’s getting a little desperate. Today he said if you like your complete lack of coverage, you can keep your complete lack of coverage.” – Jay Leno
“A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant.” – David Letterman
“A new record was set today in the 100 meters. It was set by Senate Democrats running away from Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“According to The Washington Post, the White House is considering appointing a civilian to lead the NSA. Here’s the great part: if you’re interested in the job, no need to submit a resume; they have all your information already. They will call you.” – Jay Leno
“This is a crazy coincidence. On Friday, Joe Biden took an Amtrak train to Delaware and wound up sitting next to Whoopi Goldberg. Biden said what it’s like making millions of Americans laugh every day? And then Whoopi said I was going to ask you the same question.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week’s climate change talks are taking place in Poland and they’re going to focus on China, the world’s biggest polluter. However, that discussion may get awkward on Wednesday when China buys Poland.” – Conan O’Brien
“Do you know who’s going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring.” – David Letterman
