“As you may know, Thanksgiving began in 1621 when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians and promised them, ‘If you like your land, you can keep your land’.” – Jay Leno
“The Obama White House website still says if you like your health plan, you can keep it. That’s false, of course. The president says they’re trying to correct it, but his website people can’t seem to log on.” – Jay Leno
“The ObamaCare website won’t be accessible at night due to maintenance. And it won’t be accessible during the day due to ‘it sucking’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Obama administration asks Hollywood to work positive mentions of ObamaCare into its TV shows and movies. So AMCs new zombie drama is titled: ‘The Walking Dead But Not Due to Preexisting Conditions’.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama met the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks. Obama was excited to tell the hockey players that ObamaCare includes dental.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama’s approval rating is now down to 39 percent. To which Congress said, how do you keep is so high?'” – Jay Leno
“Now that Americans have gotten a good long look at what’s going on with the mayor of Toronto, at least our fat fuck isn’t on crack. Have you seen this guy in Toronto on the news? You gotta love a guy whose excuse is, ‘Yeah, I don’t really remember smoking crack because I was in a drunken stupor. How dare you say I’m a crackhead, I’m a blackout drunk.'” – Bill Maher
“What a week for Chris Christie. First they bring back the McRib, then he wins a blue state by a landslide. First time he’s ever won a landslide. He’s caused a few.” – Bill Maher
“Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, ‘The Elephant in the Room’. And People magazine named him ‘Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit’.” – Bill Maher
“Is this where we are with journalism now? You just call a guy an elephant? It was not only taken as an insult by the governor, but also by the guy who walks behind him and shovels the shit.” – Bill Maher
“Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he’s an indoor Republican. And the two batshit Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I’m not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it’s a Republicans’ job to get government out of our lives.” – Bill Maher
“Outlaw sodomy? Does this guy realize that for most people under 30, sodomy is the main form of birth control. What a platform. He wanted to outlaw blow jobs, and he lost single women in the state by 43 points. But listen to this, he won married women by 9. That’s all I need to know about marriage.” – Bill Maher
“In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama.” – Bill Maher
