“Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.” – Jay Leno
“Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford’s approval ratings have skyrocketing since he announced that he’s smoking crack cocaine. Is EVERYBODY up there on crack? Is that the deal?” – David Letterman
“As I’m sure you’re heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: ‘Just say yes’.” – Jay Leno
“In Colorado, voters have approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. In other words, kids don’t do drugs but stay in the schools funded by them.” – Conan O’Brien
“I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website – the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They’re friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they’re used to dealing with big turkeys.” – Jay Leno
“People are criticizing the latest issue of Time magazine. They’ve got Chris Christie on the cover with a silhouette and the headline, ‘The Elephant in the Room’. But in their defense, I think they chose the least offensive title. Here’s the other ones they had: ‘Chris Christie, Have a Whale of a Time.’ I didn’t like that one. ‘Between a Rock and a Lard Place’. Yeah, that’s not good. And ‘Hail to the Chef’.” – Jay Leno
“According to CNN, they’re now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.” – Jay Leno
“Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin’s confession — or as Putin calls it, ‘bragging’.” – Jimmy Fallon
