“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he’s winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said ‘margarine’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof.” – Jay Leno
“Did you all turn your clocks back an hour over the weekend? It is easy to remember ‘spring ahead, fall back.’ It’s like trying to log on to Obamacare. You spring ahead, make a little progress, then you fall back.” – Jay Leno
“According to CBS news, on the first day of open enrollment for Obamacare, only six people signed up. Today they released their names: They are Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Doc. That’s according to the creator of the website: Dopey.” – Jay Leno
“NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able to sign up for ‘PutinCare’.” – Jay Leno
“Forbes magazine has named evil Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa.” – David Letterman
“It’s been a big year for Vladimir Putin. People magazine also named him the sexiest dictator alive.” – David Letterman
