“The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he’s bringing in “the best and the brightest” to solve the problem. Why didn’t he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.” – Jay Leno
“Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: ‘Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The president said, ‘There’s no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.’ See, that’s a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.” – Conan O’Brien
“It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor – not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- –- or as Chinese parents call it, an F.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Republican shutdown tactics and politics were so offensive, to even Independents and moderates, that this country looks like it is poised to turn bluer than a Smurf’s balls after dry humping a bottle of Windex.” – Jon Stewart
“Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.” – Conan O’Brien
“As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, ‘How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can’t ride a slide. In North Korea, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can run the country.” – Jimmy Fallon
