“Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black.” – Bill Maher
“People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, ‘Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'” – Bill Maher
“It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.” – Jay Leno
“Remember, the government shutdown isn’t bad for all. Salmonella is doing great.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral. How can he resist? Funerals have the two things he loves the most: crying and an open bar.” – Bill Maher
“Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, ‘Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans’ Thanksgiving is a little different; before eating they go around the table and everybody says what they’re hateful for.” – Bill Maher
“This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They’re having what they call now a ‘boomerang effect’. Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better.” – Bill Maher
“Half the Republicans hate Ted Cruz real bad. In fact, Peter King said, ‘No one has done more to strengthen Obamacare than Ted Cruz. But the other half of the Republicans, the truly crazy ones, they loves themselves some Ted Cruz. He is the Tea Party’s dream candidate; he is a Sarah Palin that doesn’t lactate.” – Bill Maher
“Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention. Oh, it’s a great convention they have. It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum. The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus.” – Bill Maher
“There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don’t you get it, you’re the paid political operative helping President Obama.” – Bill Maher
“If you’ve never seen ‘The Walking Dead,’ it’s basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what’s left of America. No wait, that’s C-SPAN.” – Craig Ferguson
“There are these people they’re calling ‘debt ceiling deniers’ – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn’t believe in evolution, then they didn’t believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the ‘moron trifecta’.” – Bill Maher
“Here’s the idea: Step 1, stop paying our bills. Step 2, everything’s fine. The last guy who tried this was Wesley Snipes.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: I know we can’t establish a religious test for office, but if you believe we’re living in the End Times like Michele Bachmann does, we get to take away the car keys. Yes, let Jesus take the wheel. If you think the world is about to end, that’s your right, but you don’t get to vote on next year’s budget, because it doesn’t concern you.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again.” – David Letterman
“They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that’s an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama.” – David Letterman
“New Rule: Bill O’Reilly has to tell us why he’s always thinking about murder. Yes, since Obama was elected Bill O’Reilly has written three books about killing major historical figures. And Bill, I agree – how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards. You surely did a great service pointing this out, and I look forward to your new children’s book… Killing the Cat in the Hat.” – Bill Maher
