“It’s day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?” – David Letterman
“They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA’s next mission to Mars. Isn’t that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can’t go to the Statue of Liberty.” – Jay Leno
“Americans adults scored below the national average on math, reading and problem-solving skills. Do we need a test to know that we’re not good at problem-solving. Can’t we look at these morons in Washington and the shutdown and figure that out?” – Jay Leno
“What’s the difference between the government and Motel 6? Motel 6 can afford to keep the lights on.” – Jay Leno
“This shutdown is so bad, Harry Reid was forced to take a part-time job as an extra on The Walking Dead.” – Jay Leno
“During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren’t any other quote ‘rabbits in our hat’. Plus, they’re still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.” – Jimmy Fallon
“21 states have legalized marijuana for medical purposes and just last year it was made legal for recreational purposes in Colorado and Washington state. Or should I say Cheech-Orado and Washing-Chong.” – Stephen Colbert
“At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee – ‘Choffee.’ Governor Chris Christie said: ‘Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.'” – David Letterman
“Yesterday, Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting ‘Death to America’ because he thinks it’s too harsh of a statement. Then the Iranian people were like, ‘Paper cuts to America?” – Jimmy Fallon
