Political Irony

“The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can’t take yours until I’m done. I know you’re upset, but we’re both at fault here, so let’s negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win.” – Stephen Colbert (explaining the GOP shutdown strategy)

“Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either.” – Stephen Colbert (on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise)

“House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn’t been invented?” – Jay Leno

“The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.” – Craig Ferguson

“Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn’t coming and raised twice as much money.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.” – Jay Leno

“A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, ‘Are you SURE I wasn’t born in Kenya?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do – like running the government.” – Jay Leno

“Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A man in Montana’s dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog’s droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn’t that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?” – Jay Leno

“Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, ‘Discrimination is just wrong’.” – Jimmy Fallon