“This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government.” – Bill Maher
“Happy TGIF – which stands for ‘The Government’s in Foreclosure.'” – Jay Leno
“Shutdown, I’ve got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it’s just a ‘government slim down.’ And they’re also calling school shootings ‘class size reductions’.” – Bill Maher
“At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage.” – David Letterman
“A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner.” – Bill Maher
“This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.” – Jay Leno
“The Republican Party is like the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernies’ and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.” – Bill Maher
“The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, ‘We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don’t even know that is.’ Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs.” – Bill Maher
“This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, ‘Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there’s anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it’s the guy who lost to Barack Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, it’s the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?” – Jay Leno
“I feel bad for Obama. He’s trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he’s starting to think that white people are just lazy.” – Bill Maher
“Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn’t work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare.” – Bill Maher
“One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, ‘Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'” – Bill Maher
“Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you’re Frank Sinatra’s son.” – David Letterman
“A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, ‘Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress.” – Craig Ferguson
