“Republicans don’t want to shut the government down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government.” – Stephen Colbert
“Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don’t worry – while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here’s the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn’t shut down, but ours has.” – Jay Leno
“We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full ‘Ironman’ sequel per day. We could be up to ‘Ironman 7’ tomorrow.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn’t doing anything.” – Jay Leno
“Most people think the IRS is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.” – David Letterman
“This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: ‘You’re on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don’t care.'” – Jay Leno
“Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don’t have any geniuses.” – Jay Leno
