“We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that’s what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it.” – Bill Maher
“This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus — he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.” – Bill Maher
“Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of ‘twerking’.” – Bill Maher
“Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss’ ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I’m not sure what Cruz’s speech was arguing for, but I’m guessing legalizing weed.” – Seth Meyers
“Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, ‘Where is Kanye West when you need him?'” – Bill Maher
“Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn’t, it wouldn’t even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid.” – Bill Maher
“Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment October 1. Because you know the old saying, ‘If you can’t beat them, kick the ball into the woods.'” – Seth Meyers
“The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It’s like saying to someone, ‘Put your baby back on the phone’.” – Bill Maher
“Did you see Obama today, talking about talking to the president of Iran on the phone? For the first time since 1979 we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.” – Bill Maher
“Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It’s just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.” – Bill Maher
“Some people got together and set a new world record in Times Square yesterday for twerking. And still Vladimir Putin says Americans aren’t exceptional.” – David Letterman
