“President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, ‘Not because of a budget impasse but because we’ll all be watching the last episode of ‘Breaking Bad’.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?” – Jimmy Fallon
“The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, ‘It’s our job to rob you guys’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Starbucks announced they don’t want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous than what we serve.” – Conan O’Brien
“You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country’s peculiar relationship with guns, it’s that the phrase ‘minor shooting incident’ exists.” – Jon Stewart (on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents)
“North Korea says it’s ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it’s going to be pretty awkward – not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.” – Jay Leno
“Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA’s spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn’t help when Brazil called to say they weren’t coming and the White House was like, ‘Yeah, we heard’.” – Jimmy Fallon
