“Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.” – Craig Ferguson
“Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn’t finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.” – Conan O’Brien
“Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’ and said that, quote, ‘God created us equal’. Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as ‘exceptional’. Then he said, ‘Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn’t like. We don’t think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you haven’t seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it’s for his own good.” –Craig Ferguson
“Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, ‘not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him’. Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.” – Jay Leno
“Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He’s driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There’s your miracle, you know what I’m saying?” – David Letterman
“How crazy is it that the Pope has a car? Imagine driving through Rome and a Renault cuts in front of you. You flip the guy off, and it’s the Pope!” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He’s going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman
“Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called ‘Lame Duck Dynasty’.” – Jay Leno
“A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants.” – Conan O’Brien
