“Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.” – Conan O’Brien
“If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri. Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they’ve already got one and they’re still paying off the previous model.” – Stephen Colbert
“You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6.” – David Letterman
“Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president’s plan feel better now, knowing that he’s confused too.” – Jay Leno
“Well, it was confusing, wasn’t it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno
“John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be ‘unbelievably small’. But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria.” – Jay Leno
“The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here’s the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez.” – David Letterman
“Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad’s chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins.” – Stephen Colbert
“The White House has a new slogan: ‘Hope and let the Russians fix it.'” – Jay Leno
“In New York, former Congressman Anthony Weiner became the first candidate to concede in his bid to become the Democratic candidate for mayor. Weiner got less than 5 percent of the vote and came in fifth. There’s got to be something else he can run for. I have 3,000 more Anthony Weiner jokes.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That’s the important thing.” – Conan O’Brien
“When it was all over and Anthony Weiner was driving away, apparently he gave reporters the middle finger. A class act all the way through, that guy. Of course, when he flipped off a bunch of strangers, Ne York was like, ‘Hey maybe he is the right guy for me!’ I like that guy!” – Jimmy Fallon
“On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonalds. Then he created a scene there by saying, ‘Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?'” – Conan O’Brien
“You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Since marijuana is now legal in Colorado they have to tax it like anything else, and this got people upset. This week, activists in Colorado were handing out free marijuana to protest the high taxes. Then later the pot activists were like, ‘We did WHAT?'” – Jimmy Fallon
