Political Irony

“Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.” – Jon Stewart

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?” – Jay Leno

“Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.” – David Letterman

“You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.” – Jay Leno

“John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t … he’ll give them another week.” – Jay Leno

“The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, ‘I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now?” – Craig Ferguson

“According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You’d be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the primary for mayor of New York City. The city had to use old, lever voting machines from the 1960s because the electronic machines were too hard to program. Of course, it was awkward when Anthony Weiner said, ‘That’s not a lever’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner.” – Conan O’Brien

“If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she’ll be the city’s first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, ‘Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The newer voting machines weren’t properly programmed – or as Florida put it, ‘Never stopped us’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It got weird when officials checked the results and said, ‘The winner is … Richard Nixon?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.” – Jay Leno