“The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we’d be invading Chicago.” – Stephen Colbert
“I guess we’re getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.” – David Letterman
“Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It’s like I never left!” – Jon Stewart (on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer)
“Ah! See? The red line! You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance.” – Jon Stewart
“Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon.” – Jon Stewart
“President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.” – Jay Leno
“Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.” – Jay Leno
“There is trouble at Charlie Sheen’s birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.” – David Letterman
“Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, ‘What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'” – Craig Ferguson
“They’re now making the first smartphone that’s not made overseas. It’s made in Texas. It’s also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.” – Conan O’Brien
“Dennis Rodman returned to North Korea this morning — and with any luck, for good.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Rodman says he is not going to North Korea for diplomatic reasons. He just likes being taller than an entire country.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, Rodman is going to hang out with his friend, Kim Jong Un. If somebody told you Dennis Rodman, a basketball player, was hooking up with Kim you would assume they meant a Kardashian, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn’t that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.” – Jay Leno
“Congratulations to 64-year-old swimmer Diana Nyad. On her fifth try she completed her 110-mile swim from Cuba to Florida. See, 64 is not too old to swim 110 miles. It’s too old to host a late-night talk show, but not to swim 110 miles.” – Jay Leno
