“U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It’s going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden said today that ‘Syria must be held accountable.’ Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.” – Jay Leno
“They’re saying now that the war against Syria will last no more than two days. It’s going to be a two-day war. You know what that means? We’ll be there for another 10 years.” – David Letterman
“The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. And of course a lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t you think we were already out of money?” – Jay Leno
“The treasury secretary said we will be out of money by October. Here’s my question. What happened to all that money we gave them last April 15, huh?” – Jay Leno
“Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.” – Jay Leno
“The attorney general of New York is saying that the Trump University is a fake. They say that it’s fraudulent. If you’re thinking of going to Trump University, it’s easy to get into. All you have to have is a birth certificate and you get right in.” – David Letterman
“A Senate Intelligence Committee reports that NSA employees used their surveillance equipment to check up on friends, family and lovers. They were using the surveillance equipment for their own personal use. The name of the surveillance system they used: Facebook.” – Jay Leno
