“So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker.” – David Letterman
“Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.” – David Letterman
“So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. I’ll tell you something else right now, we wouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president.” – David Letterman
“Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, ‘Boobs, where?'” – Jimmy Fallon
