“Happy birthday to President Obama! He will be 52 years old on Sunday. I bet he can’t wait for Michelle to wheel out that tofu cake with the broccoli icing.” – Jay Leno
“If you’d like to get the president a gift, you can’t go wrong with Edward Snowden. He would love that.” – Jay Leno
“The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole.” – Bill Maher
“40 times, really? Which kind of raises the question, can you file a restraining order against 242 people?” – Bill Maher
“The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?” – Jay Leno
“Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for ‘promoting’ homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled.” – Bill Maher
“The Pope said gay Catholics should not be marginalized. He said, ‘Who am I to judge them?’ I think it’s like anything else, when you get to know gay people they don’t come off as gay, they come off as people. You stop being anti-gay. And who has more gay friends and coworkers than a Pope?” – Bill Maher
“In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like ‘Come on, what’s funnier than the name Carlos Danger?’ They we’re like, ‘uh, Anthony Weiner?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, ‘It’s going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You’re going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal.'” – Jay Leno
