“At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan’s smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race.” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a ‘slut bag’. But Weiner says he won’t fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, ‘How about we just stand side by side?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“More problems for America’s creepiest mayor, San Diego’s Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would’ve come forward sooner but the line was too long.” – Jay Leno
“Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it’s only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.” – Jay Leno
“In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever – this is real – Filner’s lawyer said if there’s any liability, it’s the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!” – Jay Leno
“It seems an audio sex tape that Monica Lewinksy recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their affair back in the 1990s has now been leaked to the National Enquirer. With all these scandals involving Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, it’s nice to see an old pro come out of retirement and show these guys how it’s done.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain’s getting old. He also said he’d consider voting for oatmeal.” – Craig Ferguson
“Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That’s fine, but what about a ban on texting while you’re running for mayor? Why can’t we get a ban on that?” – David Letterman
“Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois.” – Conan O’Brien
Andy Richter: “What the national language of the United States?”
Conan O’Brien: “Third grade English.”
“Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, ‘Anything but Cinnabon’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The big ‘Smurfs’ movie sequel is out. It’s cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, ‘Who am I to judge them?'” – David Letterman
“President Obama is going to appear on ‘The Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno. That’s going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.” – Craig Ferguson
