“Things are getting so much worse for disgraced New York mayoral candidate and serial sexter Anthony Weiner. The latest New York City mayoral poll reveals that Weiner is in fourth place, or as Weiner says, ‘Hey, I’m at the bottom of a foursome.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — ‘Anyone else but Weiner’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that’s good enough for me. That’s all I needed to hear.” – David Letterman
“Anthony Weiner’s wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn’t be much worse.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something ‘mentally wrong’ with Anthony Weiner. He said, ‘That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive – because nobody else showed up to photograph her.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to the New York Post, the Clintons are really angry about being compared to the Weiners, and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual conduct seriously. Anthony Weiner just phones it in.” – Jay Leno
“A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.” – Conan O’Brien
“Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families.” – Craig Ferguson
“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn’t really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.” – Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That’s according to records kept by Jane Goodall.” – David Letterman
“Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island.” – David Letterman
“Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It’s because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across.” – Jay Leno
“Seven women have come forward to say they’ve been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it’s a 12-step program. Here’s a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. ” – Jay Leno
“Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, ‘What am I supposed to do? He’s president’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton.” – David Letterman
“Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I’m sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988.” – Conan O’Brien
