“It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it’s tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they’re like, ‘I’m not opening that’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET.” – Craig Ferguson
“Since his latest sexting scandal, things keep getting worse and worse for New York mayor candidate Anthony Weiner. Yesterday his campaign manager quit. Weiner didn’t give him any severance, but he did offer him a package.” – Conan O’Brien
“This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bill Clinton is reportedly very upset that Anthony Weiner is comparing his sexting scandal to Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsy. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Real men cheat in person’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love.” – David Letterman
“Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.” – David Letterman
“Pope Francis said something surprising today. Pope Francis says he’s going to start fighting in MMA events.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually the Pope said he has no problem with priests who are gay. He said if someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? It’s the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on ‘Project Runway’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That’s what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.” – David Letterman
“Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest.” – Jimmy Kimmel
