“New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry – naked and unable to stand.” – Bill Maher
“England is overjoyed! They got their first look at the new Prince George. Big deal. America got another look at Anthony Weiner’s dick.” – Bill Maher
“The New York Times says Weiner should pull out. The Daily News, the New York Post, they’ve all said drop out. USA Today wants to know how he put that hole in their pie chart.” – Bill Maher
“Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it’s a minor setback, while the guy in third said, ‘Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This guy has sent so many dick pics, yesterday he was at the Apple store and the guy said to him, ‘You know you can also make calls on this thing.'” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: If Anthony Weiner can come up with a totally badass name like ‘Carlos Danger’ just to masturbate, how come the best Tom Cruise could do was ‘Jack Reacher’? The guy in the action movie should be ‘Carlos Danger’. The guy touching himself should be Jack Reacher.” – Bill Maher
“Weiner is in second place. He is no longer in the lead. And it gets worse when you hear the guy in first place is Carlos Danger.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Rule: This one goes out to Huma: When your husband Anthony says, ‘I Feel Like a Different Person’, it doesn’t mean what you think.” – Bill Maher
“The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized last night. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that even possible? I mean, 148 years later this guy still can’t get any security? Come on.” – Jay Leno
“Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner.” – Bill Maher
“Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.” – Jay Leno
“Bill O’Reilly said, ‘I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.’ Here’s how Bill O’Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse’s ass.” – Bill Maher
“In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we’ve all been distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn’t make the retreat because he’s in Asia. That’s because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.” – Jay Leno
