“Al Qaeda’s number two man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.” – Jay Leno
“Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been in Gitmo for 10 years. They turned him lose on the computer and this guy is some sort of evil genius. He designed a brand-new vacuum cleaner. It keeps the fleas out of his beard. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has declared jihad on dirt. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a shoo-in for the Gitmo science fair.” – David Letterman
“It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi’s Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush.” – Conan O’Brien
“Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, ‘Keep dreaming’.” – Jay Leno
“In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.” – Conan O’Brien
“A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other’s shoulders.” – Conan O’Brien
“The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor.” – Conan O’Brien
“Edward Snowden still living in the Moscow Airport. Workers there are treating him well. Every night they leave a mint on his neck pillow.” – David Letterman
