“People in Florida are pretty worried about the Zimmerman acquittal. They’re trying so hard to get black people to stay in their homes, it looks like election day down there.” – Bill Maher
“Their defense is that George Zimmerman is weak and stupid. That’s their whole defense, that’s such a pussy that in a fight a gun was his only chance. They put an expert on the stand that said he was an out of shape doughy loser than was completely inept at self defense – just the kind of guy you want to have on your neighborhood watch.” – Bill Maher
“And then the other day in the summation, the defense lawyer said George Zimmerman had nothing put ‘pure unadulterated innocence’. That’s right, he played the ‘my client is a moron card’. I know we can’t talk about race in this trial, but now we have to have code words for idiot? ‘If his pants are full of shit, you must acquit’.” – Bill Maher
“If we’re going to leave with one lesson from this whole assorted affair it’s to leave police work to the actual police. They’re the ones who are trained in shooting unarmed black kids.” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there’s one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it’s hire people on Craigslist.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin said she may run for the Senate. She said being a U.S. senator is job she’s always dreamed of resigning from.” – Bill Maher
Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said ‘I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortion to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.’ I think that’s what he said, he was chewing a crayon.” – Bill Maher
“The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong.” – Jay Leno
“Edward Snowden is seeking temporary asylum in Russia, because you know when you’re tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin’s Russia is definitely the place you want to go.” – Bill Maher
“Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, ‘What’s it like being the most powerful person in the world?’ And Obama was like, ‘I dunno. Ask Beyonce’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you’re taking it in brownie form.” – Jay Leno
