“Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He’s just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport.” – David Letterman
“The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen. We’re no longer the fattest country in the world. That’s why they’re bringing back Twinkies. The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that’s, of course, because they’re all living here.” – David Letterman
“President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, ‘Is Michelle gone? Cool, it’s actually Skittles.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it’s always been his dream. Then Democrats said, ‘Ours too!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He’s paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it’s the second best $800 he’s ever spent.” – Conan O’Brien
“Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, ‘Is this about that speeding ticket?'” – David Letterman
“According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That’s a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere.” – Jay Leno
“In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out.” – Conan O’Brien
