“President Obama spoke was in Germany and spoke at the Brandenburg Gate, which divided that city during the Cold War. Obama said it’s taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall, and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone’s mail.” – Bill Maher
“At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people’s yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we’re going to build on the Mexican border.” – Bill Maher
“Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there’s one thing Romney’s campaign manager is good at, it’s stopping someone from becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses‘.” – Bill Maher
“Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They’re going to militarize the border. They’re going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell.” – Bill Maher
“We’re going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will.” – Bill Maher
“I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear — someone coming in the back door.” – Bill Maher
“What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network.” – Jay Leno
“Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin’s pocket. That is how bad it was.” – Jay Leno
“The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease. People are already taking advantage of this; they’re calling in sick with a case of the fats.” – Bill Maher
