“This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I’m excited that this Sunday is Father’s Day because I’m a dad. Yeah, I don’t know what I’m getting yet but I have a feeling the government knows.” – Conan O’Brien
“The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China?” – Jay Leno
“Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he’s leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He’s now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people.” – David Letterman
“Some experts believe the privacy scandal will hurt the NSA. Are they crazy? Do you know how many people want to join now that they’ve heard the guy who blew the whistle is a high school dropout, making almost $200,000 a year, with a pole dancer girlfriend, and he’s living in Hawaii? People are lining up to get this job.” – Jay Leno
“According to a Gallup poll, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has ‘impeachment insurance.’ It’s called ‘Joe Biden’.” – Jay Leno
“A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ‘I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s not like we’re the Whig party on the verge of extinction.” – Republican consultant and pollster Mike McKenna, being unintentionally funny
