“Big breaking news about something we’ve known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, ‘The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife’.” – Bill Maher
“The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.” – Jay Leno
“The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They’re like, ‘When we said the president could do whatever the fuck he wanted, we didn’t mean a black guy’.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, ‘Why, so you can read our emails faster?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?” – Jay Leno
“Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not eat the fries on the way home.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she’s tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, ‘If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone’.” – Bill Maher
“The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.” – Jay Leno
“If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?” –Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, ‘We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That’s weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet.” – Jimmy Fallon
“As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word ‘senior’ twice. That probably explains why they didn’t get into ‘collage’.” – Jimmy Fallon
