“Time magazine published President Obama’s prom photos. He’s with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn’t illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.” – Jay Leno
“Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would’ve published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn’t want to be photographed.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.” – Conan O’Brien
“The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?” – Jay Leno
“A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.” – Jay Leno
“It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, ‘Yes, we can’ to ‘No, I can’t remember.'” – Jay Leno
“As you may have heard, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recently had lap band surgery. And some sad news: today the lap band snapped and killed five bystanders.” – Jay Leno
“A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.” – Conan O’Brien
“Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that’s OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, ‘What do we have to do?'” – Conan O’Brien
Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: “Hello, I’m Anthony Weiner, and I’m running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we’re in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that’s just the tip. I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but I’ve grown since then. I’ve grown a lot. If you don’t believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city’s future? I sure don’t. What I’m trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I’m coming. That’s why I’m asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I’m Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage.”
