“Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says ‘I put my sleazy past behind me’ like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.” –Conan O’Brien
“During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.” –Conan O’Brien
“White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.” – Jay Leno
“Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey.” – David Letterman
“And if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman
“Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.” –Jay Leno
“Weiner said about the city, ‘Nobody will work harder to make it better’. As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was ‘Nobody will work better to make it harder.'” – Jay Leno
“We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That’s like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson’s birthday combined.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It’s resulted in a surge of ‘pot tourism.’ People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it’s 30 years later they’re still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop.” – Jimmy Kimmel
