“NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.” – David letterman
“I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It’s eight months if you leave from Newark.” – David letterman
“Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?” – Jay Leno
“The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill that will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow’s got a better chance of passing.” – David letterman
“This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hooters is letting mothers eat for free on Mother’s Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?” – Conan O’Brien
