“Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, ‘Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, ‘I dare you to do better’ — to which the students yelled back, ‘No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'” – Jay Leno
“If Obama can’t take our guns, he’ll make sure you can’t put anything in them. After that, he’s going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting.” – Stephen Colbert (on the conspiracy theory that the government is buying up bullets)
“Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him ‘practice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said ‘Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible’.” – Conan O’Brien
“George W. Bush’s nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for ‘Pretend you’ve never heard the name Gorge W. Bush.” – Conan O’Brien
“PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, ‘If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: ‘National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.” – Jay Leno
