Political Irony

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, ‘Uh, I’m president, aren’t I?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.” – Conan O’Brien

“That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.” – Conan O’Brien

“Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event— ‘Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is in Mexico. He’ll be on hand to celebrate Mexico’s economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.” – Jay Leno

“While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.” – Jay Leno

“A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out.” – Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants.” – David Letterman

“Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She’s getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn’t that insider dating?” – David Letterman

“The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left.” – Conan O’Brien