“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay. While the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Jason Collins, center for the Washington Wizards, announced he is gay. He said, ‘I don’t know what’s been tougher on my family, announcing I’m gay or announcing that I play for the Washington Wizards’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Collins is getting credit for being the first openly gay pro athlete. Or as Martina Navratilova put it, ‘Hello!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids.” – Jay Leno
“They are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. Although you do get your standard restaurant gripes, like ‘service took forever, was there for 25 years.” – Stephen Colbert
“There’s a trend now of prison inmates reviewing their prison on Yelp. The downside is that people are now committing crimes just to get the amazing fish tacos at Rikers Island.” – Conan O’Brien
“Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.” – Conan O’Brien
“We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing fucktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first.” – Jon Stewart
“Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s the most beautiful woman alive, according to People magazine. I thought to myself, ‘Wow. Thank god, finally some hope for good-looking, thin blondes.’ Gwyneth, by the way, still has to be confirmed by Congress.” – David Letterman
