“Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.” – Jay Leno
“They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas.” – Bill Maher
“I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald.” – Bill Maher
“It’s not just a library, it’s a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There’s a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there’s the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there’s a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it.” – Bill Maher
“Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened.” – Bill Maher
“They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, ‘We’ve had enough Bushes.’ Enough? How about at least one too many.” – Bill Maher
“The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that’s OK.” – Jay Leno
“Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don’t even remember what the old one looked like, all right?” – Jay Leno
“[The Boston Marathon bombers] only had one gun between them. Talk about not assimilating; you are in the United States for ten years and you only have one gun?” – Bill Maher
“The issue dear to my heart that may be affected is marijuana reform because the younger brother apparently was a big pot smoker, which, could explain why he chose as a get away vehicle a boat, that was on land.” – Bill Maher (on Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev)
“After he got away from the big shoot out he was trapped on a boat in the darkness, lying in his own waste. Or as we call it here, a Carnival Cruise.” – Bill Maher
“A new poll found that former congressman Anthony Weiner only has a 15 percent chance of winning the race for New York City mayor. Although in his defense, he’s a grower not a show-er.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Plans are being discussed in California to let illegal immigrants serve on juries. Talk about doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do! It’s all yours. Thank you.” – Jay Leno
“It’s not a federal holiday but today you’re supposed to take your son or daughter to work. For a lot of people it’s take your son or daughter to where you used to work. In China, kids take their parents to work.” – David Letterman
